What if? Its true that I want to leave with him thinking of me as a good person. The Golden Rule. Do you think its mature behavior? Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. ugh! Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. Long time no talk. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Vengeance- An action of revenge or payback. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. I used to have a male best friend who was very, very similar to this man you describe. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. But I dont seem to find peace. Thought Id share it. I dont really need my mother. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! This response is different from holding a grudge. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. I am definitely tempted to do this! I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. Im not sure we can. I said Im sorry!) So I couldnt. Thanks Tinkerbell! My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. Youre holding a grudge! Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? I still am having to work on that. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. It beggars belief! You're mean to not want to go there. To her forgiveness meant her saying sorry (actually shouting at me, Im sorry, okay? Its unfair. I dont hold a grudge but by god I will no longer hit the reset button with this total dick head who I spent 5 years with, who has made this the most painful, long drawn out break up I have ever experienced in my life. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! Okay, Nat. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. Im doing pretty well. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. I will not let this experience defeat me. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! There is no sense. Ive chosen to ignore it. The differences and similarities between "The Dog that Bit People" and "The Weather of New England" are easy to find throughout the story, and will be further dove into. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. People are so complex. Appreciate you writing this. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) But, same thing happens, again and again. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. Thank-you all 4 your replies. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. This msg came right on time, yesterday church sermon was based on managing relationships in general and the pastor challenged the entire congregation to reach out and correct a relationship my mind went to my ex now let me say he was up front about his incertitude and I should have ended it but I have learnt from this situation. I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. Thats what MOTHERS do. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. But at last he has left and I am fine! When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. . Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Fewer symptoms of depression. I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. Im just searching for some truth. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. 5. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. Lisa. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. I know. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. This for my own sake. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. And its SPOT ON. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. If you want a master class in forgiveness, marry someone with ADHD. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on Just meet some one else fast. I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. My life has become SO much better since he left. I forced myself to have sex with him when I hated it, and it made me want to cry. Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". Note from the examples: Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. ago. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. A stronger immune system. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? Unsubscribe at any time. Holding a grudge happens when. Grudges are toxic to relationships. That just comes with time and distance. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. Read about the narcissist smear campaign. Not ringing or checking on his son all week is busting my boundries but I wont tell him how awful I think this is, because they wont and dont see anything but themselves. You hit the nail on the head. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. AAAArrrrggggg!! So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! Im either totally into a man with all of my being, or Im totally out. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. But I will feel better! Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you're holding a grudge, even if you don't think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. In my mind I think that how hes acting is immature and offensive, but for some reason I truly cant get myself to believe that he is being genuine with this crazy stuff. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. In a word. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. The best revenge is your own happiness and success! Lets call sin by its name, shall we? ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. You think. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). Wanted to see whats going on. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. My friends of fifteen years became his friends too, and I did not know how to handle it when he would decide that the relationship was off. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. Forgiveness is letting go. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. He deserves a guilty conscience. I really like this guy. Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. What a bullet you dodged. So you painfully move on. Merci. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Or unhealthy? Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. This happened a few times several years ago. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. My mother has always been narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. Probably. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. . Yoghurt- Thank you. I am an adult now, not a child who depends on her for whatever scraps she felt obligated to dole out. For example, I was involved with a real AC and got some really amazing help on BR that helped me to go no contact and get over him. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. NC works, it really does. Choose to forgive the person who's offended you. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. Hes playing with your heart. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. Vindication?
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